I have an enormous teddybear.
Rupert hangs out in the loft while I’m at the office or working on the house.
He’s the only stuffed animal I’ve purchased in about 25 years.
I think he’s adorable, very pet-able, and he acts as my back-cushion while I’m reading or typing on the computer.
He’s also rather comforting, and that’s pretty handy… because, as cute as he is, it wasn’t really his looks that got him into the house.
2016: Feel the Burn
I’m still not sure how many people I lost in 2016. I honestly lost track. I check fb periodically for people I’m not sure are still here. For most of the year, I couldn’t finish mourning one person before losing another… a human of mine was no-more at an interval of about 1 every 2 weeks, until November. During the last two months of the year, I said a final goodbye every single week.
I’ve experienced a lot of loss during my lifetime, but there hasn’t been a single year that was as devastating as 2016.
One thing that struck me as interesting: only magical people left. No one that was a “solid human” but otherwise unremarkable. No. Each and every one of these people shone like the energy of the planet depended on it. 2017 was ushered-in via darkness in so many ways.
So, where does Rupert come into it? Stay with me…
The Grand Finale
Towards the end of the year, when Death was really getting into the swing of things — right after thanksgiving, in front of my family, I learned that a beautiful young friend of mine died in LA,… then my vibrant coworker passed during a (seemingly) successful recovery from surgery — it happened: I clicked “play.”
I wasn’t sure what I was watching at first, but I’ve been CPR Certified since I was about 10 years old, so I was familiar with the nuts and bolts of it.
You see, in some parts of the world, it’s not quite taboo to see footage of medically-intense rescue attempts… or even failed attempts. In some parts of the world, accidents aren’t quite as prevalent as they are in the US. And in some cases, there are even “let this be a warning to you” sites that illustrate how dangerous carelessness can be. Don’t go looking for these sites unless you want to see some pretty graphic, real, heart-wrenching demise.
I have a friend in Thailand who’s amazing. A young man who’s gregarious, gentle, outgoing, kind,… working at a hospital to pay is way through Grad School, as well as to fund his little brother’s education back in Cambodia. He just finished everything for his Master’s Degree, too! Graduation photos: done. All the right signatures on all the right documents: done. Classes: done. All that’s left to do is graduate. He’s working on his English and I encourage his endeavors, so pretty much anything he posts on facebook is something I’m going to click on.
It took a full 5 minutes to figure out why he posted this awful video on his wall.
I kept thinking, “I’m sure it’ll make sense in a minute,” and it did.
At the end of the video, I went back to see if google could translate any of the Thai into something that would explain why I had just watched what I had watched… and then I saw it — the watch. It was the same watch he had on in every one of his travel photos. It was the same watch in his graduation photos. The same watch that was helplessly attached to this motionless body. He hadn’t posted the video. Someone else posted it on his wall so we’d know what happened.
I sat in my office for a while… unable to move, to think, or to process how in the world a runaway s10 pickup traveling, at most, 20 mph on that road was able to do such permanent damage. While I commend the driver for swerving away from traffic, he didn’t quite miss my friend. There wasn’t much left of the vehicle after being dragged ~40 feet, and I’m pretty sure my friend was gone before the footage ever started, but… sitting comfortably in my office that afternoon, I watched my young friend die.
What do you do when you can’t bear the thought of going home to be alone?
Sure, there are those who would offer some solace (for a price), and while that may be tempting at the time, it wouldn’t sit well later… so, that’s a non-starter.
There are even those who would simply allow me to mourn with company — but, no one else on this side of the planet knew him… so, there wasn’t any opportunity for a kindred goodbye.
There was just me. An enormous sadness. And the significant need to wrap my arms around someone or something.
So, on my way home, I picked up the safest alternative to a bad decision: Rupert.
Some days, it’s difficult to be in your own space all by yourself. And, I’m not going to say that a Tiny Space is always what the doctor ordered, when what you really need is some live human interaction and maybe a cuddle-puddle the size of your house… but I cried the ugly cry and woke up bathed in sunlight.
Something that moves me each and every morning is that I’m surrounded by love. Even after — especially after — the hardest damn days. One of those reasons is that I built my surroundings… and I don’t do anything without love. Also, Rupert’s here to help where he can.
Life is hard.
Sometimes, teddybears can help make it a little softer.
#EverythingWithLove
#HugThoseWhoMatter
XOXO,
